Loving Depression: The Awakening
Updated: Oct 16, 2020
My smile is beaming, my skin is gleaming,
The way it shines, I know you've seen it (You've seen it)
I bought a crib just for the closet
Both his and hers, I want it, I got it, yeah
For me it’s more like I want it, I can't get it, #laughing emojis. This song has nothing to do with this chapter, but this song makes me feel like a rich bitch, so why not share it with you guys. You can listen to Ariana Grande - 7 rings anytime you want, even when you are licking the lollipop. But, let's begin with this chapter now, shall we? In chapter 2 I came across some questions after having a talk with my aunt such as,''Will people see me differently here in the Netherlands", ''How is the program of my school?'', ''Do I like men?''. Also, I came out to my mom which was a relief for me.
In this chapter I will tell you more about my life in the Netherlands and how depression nearly destroyed me. HA! Depression you got nothing on me!
But first I want to tell you the story from when I arrived till the time that I hit depression - I was not depressed the whole time that I was living here in the Netherlands.
In 2017, the same year that I arrived in the Netherlands, I came out to my mom and family members. Maybe you would not agree with the way that I did it, but I called them via the phone; it was easier for me and I did not want them to find out from someone else. Till this day, I found it hilarious that my aunt told me that she already knew that I liked men, like yas she won. After coming out, I started to try new things such as taking photos, posing for pictures and expressing myself in my drawings. I also became rebellious because I got highlights in my hair, like it was my first move of becoming a new me and then bam it was new year. I did not fear to go out anymore, I was more socially open and was more open for new things. It was not easy for me because I was always scared of social encounters - I still am tho.
Although while trying new things I felt more alive and a bit more comfortable in my shoes, and maybe I thought I was finally enough and happy with myself, my mind thought otherwise. I started feeling down in the beginning of November of 2018. I had encountered a personal trouble which unleashed all of my demons. I started overthinking about how I was living my life and memories came to my mind like old grated discs. Firstly, I thought ''Was I finally enough?'' and then I asked myself ''Why do I feel empty every time I encountered a problem in my life". These questions made things worse for me because every time these questions came to my mind, I kept overthinking deeper and I felt like I was slowly dying. The worse part is that I tried to push everything away so I could finally be the person that I knew. I think that, at this moment, I felt like the best thing was to push my feelings away and just try to keep going without resolving them.
This continued to the point where I felt I was getting depressed again. I told you a bit about that in chapter 1 or did you forget already? You really need to pay attention to keep up with the story. Then, I thought I saw a bit of light, I finally got my own space! I got a studio and now I can do nasty things at anytime - you already know! I am just kidding, or maybe not. Where was I again? Oh yes, well that was not enough for me, I still felt like a boat without an anchor, like a phone without a charger. I was a mess and I literally was not taking care of myself. The depression brought the worst out of me and I could care less about how I looked now.
This will sound disgusting, but I sometimes did not brush my teeth just because I was not feeling like it. Normally, I would do my routine every week; my skin, nails, hair – yes I have a lot of routines, okay! I mean who doesn't – but I was so lazy and sad that I just skipped all of it. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not keep living like this; my studio turned into my coffin, where my lungs were filled with worms and my lips decomposed. Wow, I clearly can write poems in the future, look at me writing some deep stuff. I keep distracting myself and ending up talking about something else, I am so sorry.
However, I thought, “How can I make a change if I do not know the root of the problem?” While drinking a glass of wine – my glass was holographic and classy – I instantly found out what the problem was – I did not love myself! Now that I think of it, I always look for people to fill the emptiness that I feel inside, I prefer to be a second choice than not to be a choice at all. There is where I was wrong and did not realize it till now. Now, I want to ask you a question...What do you think you truly deserve? You probably know the answer, but you probably do not want to accept it.
I think that I deserve to feel valued and loved, but I do not need the approval of others to feel like this.
From now on, my main focus would be me and I will try to care less what other people think of me - I am beginning to fall in love with my story now. I will rebuild my castle and will be capable of loving myself before anyone else!
Maybe you think that this story has ended, there you are wrong! In the last chapter of this series I will talk about how I am starting a fresh beginning and leaving all these hurtful memories behind. Till next time! Or should I say, "XOXO, gossip girl" - I used a sexy tone while saying this sentence out loud.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blogpost are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official views of Phryme Magazine.