Loving Depression: A Broken Soul
Updated: May 24, 2019
Here I am again! I hope you enjoyed reading the first chapter of the series. In chapter 1, I took you down to the memory lane where I came across questions such as, ''Why are you so anti-social?", ''Why do you talk like a girl?'', ''Are you gay?'', ''When are you going to get a girlfriend?". All these questions kept spinning in my head till a point that I couldn't handle it anymore. Sadly, I decided to take a wrong turn in my life...
In this chapter, I will tell you about the masks I wore to handle the situation, so people could finally value me as I am. Surely they valued a fake character, let me tell you that. And obviously I could not leave the part where I moved to the Netherlands out of this. Moving to the Netherlands helped me a lot and was the first step of my sparkeling self. That is right! I always sparkle.
Now, where was I? Yes, after hearing so many hurtful 'questions', I began to doubt myself more. If at the start I didn't think I was valued, now I thought that I did not deserve to be in this world. Can you imagine? Once, a family member told me to move my hand like a man, "You act like you have a broken wrist, so people obviously will think that you are gay". And, in that moment, I felt like I needed to change – I needed to fit in so badly.
It came to a point that I decided to wear a mask and I thought maybe this time I will finally feel valued. I presented a character that wasn't me to my family and friends; the person that I feared the most became my worst enemy, no one else than yours truly. If you are anything like me you should have an idea of which mask I wore for the public. I still kept getting good grades and was best graduated at HAVO in 2017, by the way, this was my best mask. The mask that I wore the most was the ''manly'' one; I started to pay attention to what I said, what I wore and the sad thing is that it became a hobby; always trying to match people's expectations instead of my own.
Now, when I moved to the Netherlands in 2017 I was a scared little boy who did not know what to expect.
Everything was so different here in Leeuwarden, people were more open-minded and most of them did not worry what others thought. After my observation, I had a conversation with my aunt where I began to drown myself in questions such as, ''Will people see me differently here in the Netherlands", ''How is the program of my school?'', ''Do I like men?''. The last question was driving me crazy, so I decided to open up to my aunt. I told her how I felt in Aruba and that I did not feel safe to talk about this with anyone. Clearly, you are thinking now "Please tell me that he finally accepted his sexuality and that he embraced himself''. Well, it is not as simple as it sounds and it is more difficult when you are in denial. Tell me one thing, "Would you have done things differently?, if most of the people you knew told you that what you felt was WRONG!!! I was so afraid to go out just because I could not be myself around others and that hurt even more.
After the conversation, I decided to take baby steps. Slowly, but surely guys! I decided to stop pushing my feelings away and began exploring. Yes, I went on a daddy hunt – I am joking, #laughing emoji. I finally felt that I could go out and nobody would judge me, I was more free and did not need a mask anymore. Months after the conversation, I decided to call my parents and tell them the truth about how I felt. If you are thinking that my story went as the movie "Love, Simon", you are wrong sweetheart. My mom told me that she needed time to process what I told her, which I understood. At the moment I felt that a weight has been lifted from my shoulder, I was finally relieved.
Surely, you are thinking the same as me, "He finally accepted himself". HA, wrong! Depression decided to push me in the ocean to let me drown in my feelings. And, for a few months, I was not a mermaid, but a piranha ready to feed on negativity. Maybe you would not agree with me, but the story has reached the end. Just kidding boo! In chapter 3, I will tell you more about my depression and how I realized that I could not live in the past anymore, something needed to change! Now, I am going to leave your screen alone for a few weeks to get my beauty sleep. See you soon, a lot of kisses.
P.S. I am in a much better place right now. So, no need to worry:)
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blogpost are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official views of Phryme Magazine.